The Testimony of Leaves - Faithfulness in Waiting

After Spring, I believe that Autumn is my favorite time of year. It's strangely ironic in a way that I so dearly love the season that has to do with glorious re-birth: the season when flowers explode into colour, when the sun finally pokes it's head out of the clouds, when an azure sky bathes me in a brilliant blue; when the white and yellow blossoms of the pear trees hold testimony to the end of winter. Everything about spring just seems to teem with life, the plants, animals and myself! After a long winter, I feel my soul come alive, feel my spirit soar on the fresh winds that waft the clouds across the sky. Spring is in many ways for me a time where I can forget about my problems and just frolic across the meadows (if I should so choose to), a world apart from the troubles and sorrows of tomorrow. And, then there's Autumn. I say it is almost ironic that I love autumn; it seems to be an oxymoron when saying it in the same breath as the life-giving spring. In Autumn, things fall apart, the leaves fall to the ground, slowly rotting, and the sun starts to hide behind menacing clouds. Autumn is the beginning of the birth-pains of Winter, one could almost classify it as a time of death. 

But in my eyes, Autumn is so much more. Maybe I'm blinded because of my general optimism (which probably annoys my friends at one point or another), but I honestly can't change the way I view life, and wouldn't trade this perspective for hardly another. Autumn is a time of life for me, a time where, yes, there is death, but, somehow it's as full of life as spring is. 

Let me explain. As a person I like to think. Those people who know me a bit better know that there is almost more behind a blithe smile than that what meets the eye. I love to think, just as much as I love the early morning stillness that I would experience in Africa. A morning walk along the beach when there's that heavy scent of salt and dew in the rain - a magical moment. Especially this last year I have dedicated much time and effort to thinking, thinking about books, quotes, letters, films and original thoughts. In fact, I have a list of "Things to Think about", things that I want to delve deep into; spend my time contemplating the paths and trails of life; things that I want to improve, things that have changed, things that went wrong. Sometimes I think too much; I imagine, and that is not always a positive thing, especially in the shifting conditions that life throws at us. 

In my room I have a card laying on my table; at some point in my life I had gotten it, most likely as a birthday card on some long forgotten birthday. But the difference with this card is that it's not so much the text inside that I like, but the quote outside. For, on the cover there is a picture of a single autumn leaf, golden brown in hue and drifting silently on a clear stream. Your typical depiction of autumn, a single forsaken leaf heralding the coming woe of winter and frost. And yet, underneath the picture stands "He who lets go does not become poorer, rather, his hands become free for something new". The falling leaves that, in dying, release their nutrients into the earth, forging forth a new birth for another generation of leaves. Autumn isn't a time of death, it's when letting go, gives birth to something new.
Sometimes I question why certain things in my life are taken away, why things didn't work out the way I wanted to why, why after months and months of investing my time and energy into a friendship, a skill, whatever, I lose that very thing I so desperately was desiring.
There is this powerful song by Tenth Avenue North in their CD "The Light Meets the Dark", about letting go. It's for me, in a way, a haunting song - and yet a song that pulses with life and hope. To just let the words soak into me, to realise that often, if I were to just let go of that what hurts me - what drags me down - then I would truly find freedom in Christ. Now, that is common Christian theology - letting go of the hurt of the past, to forgive and bless the other person, to hand over tragic events to the King and be free.
But the singer Mike here, goes one step further and asks the question:
What if I let go of my dreams? What if I let them them die and fall like leaves to the ground? Things that have perhaps consumed my concentration, effort and time for countless years before. Things which I lived for, where untold amount of energy were poured into - I'm supposed to let them go?  I mean, hasn't every important celebrity, politician, writer and entrepreneur said that we should follow our dreams and never let anyone tell us that it's not possible?
It's certainly not an easy question to answer, and it's certainly not a question which I am qualified to answer, but If I might just be allowed to give my two cents on it, I might.
Firstly I believe that Mike is right, that surrendering our dreams to the Lord is the only way to truly find freedom in this world. Ok, so you're saying "I get surrender. But surrender and kill are two very different things". A fair point, let me explain. Dreams are kept alive alive through hope. A dream without hope cannot exist, and that's when dreams shatter, when we come to a point in our lives when we are convinced that nothing and no-one can ever make this dream come true. And when we surrender our dreams over to the Lord, we are shifting our hope from the dream, to God. Our hope doesn't rest in the dreams anymore; a hope which can often be torn and ripped, that can die agonizingly slowly or vanish in a flash! Rather, when we give it over to the Lord, we find freedom in letting go, strength in letting it die, and perhaps, we witness the birth of something new to fill our hands with.




Ignore
And, you know, the cool thing about God is that he really speaks to us in our circumstances, and that he desires to speak to us. He spoke to me through a simple birthday card, that had a powerful message on. He speaks to me through all kinds of songs, conversations, books, music, movies.. the list goes on and on, and I am quite certain that this is only the tip of the iceberg - that a great many times that the Lord wants to speak with me, and I am not listening. It's quite a humbling experience, in some ways, for myself to realise that. Now, especially for myself, perhaps, because in my life and in my friendships, one of the worst things that a friend can possibly do to me is ignore me. A bad, heated argument pales in comparison to the simple feeling of being ignored by someone. It is a wound that is old, deep and painful, and can sadly destroy relationships (on my part) within weeks.
And yet, I ignore, on a daily basis, the friend that redeemed me from a life of sin and eternal damnation. I ignore the God who is passionate to have an active and personal relationship with me. I ignore the one whom I  call myself friend, and with whom I claim to base on hope on. The truth hurts. To realise that I am the culprit of the very act that I so hate.
And, at times I certainly don't intend to ignore, to not head the voice of God, but the simple stress of life, my inconsistency at coming in stillness before God and failing to put the "author and perfecter of [my] faith" in the centre of my life leaves me without excuse.
And when I consider it, I realise that in fact, I am no better than the Isrealites during Old Testament times. In the past I used to genuiely look down on the Isrealites and chide them for their childish behavior. Indeed, I viewed myself as vastly superior to them in both faith and lifestyle. I used to question how on earth such a chosen nation could possibly turn their back on God. They experienced countless miracles, countless rescues from their enemies and constantly had prophet after prophet reminding them of what the Lord had done for them. I mean, how much more obvious could it have been for them? If I had the ocean part before me, experience water flowing out of dry desert stones, and fresh bread every morning on the ground - then I would surely never turn my back on God. Right?
It was a humbling moment for me when I finally realised in what state my heart was really in. In my own life, I have had more than my fair "share" of miracles. Times when God has held me close, taught me amazing lessons, spoken to me, proven his love to me. Countless times, again and again. Most every day they are there; his power in my life, the little things in the day that show me that he is there. And yet, after all I've been through, even after he redeemed my life and made it anew; even then I so often turn my back on his. So often I forget about his promises, his love, his plans for me, and cry out to the heavens in my pain. Why! So often I question the path I'm on - desiring the simple path, where the way seems less rocky, less steep.
And like the Isrealites in Sinai, I so quickly forget the miracles of the past - and I am only capable of seeing the present situation in the here-and-now. And, somehow it hasn't penetrated deep enough into my heart that my God WILL come through, that he KNOWS my situation, and that he LOVES me. I so wish that these 'simple' truths would finally take root in my heart, and let the healing begin.
I chose the topic of this post as "Faithfulness", but now, several weeks later, as I begin to write again, I've seen how all these thoughts that I've had begin to weave their way into my life; that situations have arised that required me to really take a deep look on my faith, and what role it should play in my life. And it has also required me to rethink several life-philosophies of mine. Well, at any rate, I do not suppose that this will be a boring post.


The Culprit
"To realise that I am the culprit of the very act that I so hate."
In my eyes, the truly deadly aspect of ignoration is that an act of ignoration is devoid of truth. As I see it, when I ignore someone, say for example, I choose to not speak to them on my accord, then I am not directly saying "I don't want to talk to you" (which would be the truth), but I am also not lying. And yet, I am still communicating, since, as they say, 80% of communication is non-verbal. And, yet the big problem with ignoring is that you effectively force the other person to fabricate his own meaning to the ignoring; to attach his own words to those unspoken words. And this 'devoidness of truth' is the catch.
And often we tend to say that something that is 'devoid of truth' must obviously be a 'lie', right? Well, I think this case might be an exception, at least in the beginning. Once I put my own interpretation to the lack of communication (which happens very quickly), then it becomes a lie - a lie that I have created myself, one that almost always torments me.
And this is the core of the problem for me when it comes to ignoring. I desire in all of my friendships a certain transperancy, a certain level of truth with the other person. That no masks are put on, that no suspicions are harboured for long periods of time. This often forces me to confront people with problems that I have with them. Of course, I diplomatize it all (if that's a word..) and put in such a way that doesn't upset anyone (or try).
This makes ignoring a serious problem: a parasite that needs to be eradicated from the friendship, something that needs to be directly addressed as soon as possible. Add to that several very bad experiences with being purposefully ignored, and you've got a fanatical person who's effectively declared a jihad on ignoration.
And yet I myself ignore. Other people. Friends even. God.
I've become the Vader, the Saruman - becoming exactly that which I sought to destroy. And, this is, I believe a very deep aspect of human nature - an unrootable selfishness that desires to spring forth whenever it sees a chance. To hate what hurts you, but not mind it if that very same thing can help you when you use it.
There is this song by Kutless which is called "Run". A powerful song that cuts straight to the heart of my relationship with God:

Looking down from above as you watch TV
Wondering why, oh you're ignoring me
Do you remember, remember when I came to you
And you loved me
And I'm waiting for you
And I'm waiting for you


Why do you run why do you hide oh don't you know I
just, just want to be with you, to be with you
Hey, why do you run why do you hide oh do't you know
I just, just want to be with you, to be with you...


Whatever happened to the love, the love you had for me
When you first came to me
Don't you know that I died, died so I could be with
you forever.
And I'm waiting for you
And I'm waiting for you 

The truth hurts. It leaves me writhing in shame, guilt, remorse.
But why do I do it? Why do I always fall into a cycle of running and hiding.


I like to say that the whole Bible is one big long love story from God to us. In it's roots it tells of the romance between God and the patriachs, the beginnings of it, the creation of man, the painful fall of man - and yet, the will of God to continue this relationship in a broken world. Eventually Isreal is conceived, and story continues through Egypt to Sinai. The giving of the law to try and prevent the relationship being severed through evil. And story goes on, through the judges, the kingdoms and finally, handing over his beloved to be punished in the hope that they will turn to Him again. And, then the coming and death of Christ to cement that love story.
And in this story Isaiah is the letter that touches me the most, the letter that gives me the hope, that shows me prehaps most clearly the nature of God, of his love for us, and his faithfulness.
God is almost pleading with Israel, so desperately in love with them, trying to make clear to them that their course of way with have consequances. In the first chapter he says,

"Come now, let us reason together,"
       says the LORD.
       "Though your sins are like scarlet,
       they shall be as white as snow;
       though they are red as crimson,
       they shall be like wool.
If you are willing and obedient,
       you will eat the best from the land;
    but if you resist and rebel,
       you will be devoured by the sword."
       For the mouth of the LORD has spoken. [Isaiah 1:18-20]

It's like God is saying, "Can't you see that what I want to give you is soo much better than all that? Can't you see that the life I offer you will bring you life , that it will satisfy all your needs? Why do you go running off chasing false idols, why do you think that these will bring you happiness? I'm making you an offer, it doesn't have to be that way; your sins can be wiped clean, they can be as white as snow.


And thats the beauty of the Old Testament, when you see that Isreal is really also a picture of the state of the human heart, a heart that in sinful and rebelled against God.  And, as I said before, it's humbling. I've always wanted to feel like I'm good enough for salvation. You know, like, yeah, of course God has to redeem me, there is no way around that... but he doesn't have to redeem me as much as much as THAT guy over there. Sounds crazy, so arrogant and as if I've missed the whole message of the Gospel. But if I may be so audacious, I wonder how many Christians think that: "Yes, I must be redeemed, but not as much as that drug addict over there..." It's weird, cause if we think about it, you can't even measure redemption, cause for one, if God is infinitely holy, then we are infinitely fallen. And then, redemption is really either 0 or 1. You can't be only partially redeemed, like 0,6 or something. And now when I think about it now, it makes all so sense, and everything else feels so foolish. But that's the interesting thing about the heart; is that we are so often unaware of what is really deep inside. What is hidden under layers and layers of false righteousness, and at times barely detectable, and yet influences our very actions and thoughts.
And then to realise... hey, I'm so in need of salvation. When it becomes clear that there is nothing I can do to even get myself one step towards self-saving without going 4 steps back at the same time; that's when we can start learning what "Freedom in Christ" can mean for us. That the weight of all the work, trying to make it look like we're good Christians, like we're worthy of love, is a burden that Christ wants to free us from that. That all our fake righteousness and  masquerades that we put on show for the world to see, is simply weighing us down like lead.


To recognise the state of our own heart, to see our failings and our bitter need for redemption, and yet come to learn a God who is not only loving and graceful, but faithful to us in all this promises; in the same way that he was faithful to Israel - never letting go of those he loves. To realise that freedom is waiting in coming to trust God enough to let him take our dreams - and if need be, shred them, or bless them. That masquerading and only playing the role of the good Christian is a weight and burden on our very souls, and that Christ desires friends and brothers in holy relationship and not dogmatic followers of religion.
These are the thoughts that I've had. They are certainly a mess, and terribly organised! They also don't always stick to the topic, and often I leave questions unanswered or a subtopic unfinished. And while I'd love to finish this off completely, and have every subtopic thought and written out in full, I believe that I'd find that this blog would have turned into a book.
May you find freedom in Christ; freedom from letting go, and freedom from letting these masks fall. May you grow ever closer to the God who is writing his love story, with you as his main character, and the God who is ever faithful and will never forsake you.
Be blessed.

The Holy Wild

I think that my spiritual journey can be in some ways traced by examining the books I read, and by looking at what kind of effect they have on me. One thing for which I am truly grateful is that my parents, as missionaries and linguistics, have a love for Christian literature and have collected over the years several very good books on theology and Christians living. This is made all the better that I have grow up speaking and reading English, a language in which many good books are written in, and a language in which these books are easily accessible. These writings often go hand-in-hand with my Bible reading and prayer times and I often lug the one or the other book into school with me, just in case I get a free period. Just to serve as an example, at the moment I have on my Bible three books: "The Holy Wild", "The Bible Jesus Read" and "Just like Jesus". On my bed is lying "What's so Amazing about Grace" and in my bookshelf are several C.S. Lewis and George MacDonald titles. Yes, books are certainly an important part of my walk with Jesus. 
I think that what draws me to writers is that they often do exactly that which I envy them for - they get to sit down and ponder the nature of how things things are, to delve deep into the Scriptures and spend their time polishing a gem of wisdom through the craft-work of their words. It's something that also attracts to being a pastor, I mean, what better use of my time could there be than to invest my life in reading, examining and teaching the living Word of God! At any rate, books teach me alot; but not in the way that a science book teaches me. For many things that I read about, I already have a vague idea of the teaching - in a sense, I already 'know' the material. However, often a book will allow me to see everything in a completely different way and suddenly I'm like "Wow! I never saw it that way before". I think that there many truths which we think we understand, but in reality have only scratched the surface. And precisely this new perspective, this viewing in a different light, can have such profound effects. While it wasn't through a book, several years back God 'opened my eyes', as I call it, to the wonder of his love - something that I thought I understood, but actually didn't -, and this new perspective has had such a deeply profound effect on my life that I can now say,that 50 years from now, I would still probably consider this event one of the major turning points in my life. 
As a human, as a Christian, we can know so much about God; and know so much about His characteristics and what the Bible says about Him. We can rattle off all the facts about Jesus, but if we have not had an encounter with God, there is something drastically missing. This whole subject is a road which I don't want to turn down this month, as there are many things which I don't understand, and there would be more questions than answers - but perhaps one month I will open up the question once more.


The Holy Wild
This month one book has especially influenced me and  the way I view things, and that would be Mark Buchanan's "The Holy Wild". Through eloquence and poetry, Buchanan attempts to paint a picture of the character of God. Before, I had really never really tried coming to terms God's characteristics, and to know who God is - I was content to base my theology on the adjectives: all-powerful, loving, graceful, etc. But I was missing so much! After all, how can I trust someone wholly if I don't know him? How can I really give 100% of my life, give really every part of me to someone, if I not aware of how that person is? How can I lean completely into God, be completely at rest in the midst of the pouring rain, thunder and lightning when I don't know him? Of course, as humans, we will never understand God, in the same way that our minds cannot imagine a four-dimensional universe. However, on Christmas, we celebrate the day when God incarnate, Jesus Christ, came to live among us! And, because of this and the revelation that God has given us in his Word, we can vaguely  piece together a rudimentary picture of God. 
One interesting aspect, and in my opinion, a good indication that Buchanan has hit close to the mark, is that while reading this book I saw in myself diluted elements of what he was writing about. This is a good indication because as humans we are created in God's image, and we reflect his characteristics [Genesis 1:27], even though sin has scarred and mutilated this image. 


As a musician (if I may call myself so), and an very amateur artist, I was most taken by the chapter "Where the Stones Sing - God's creativity". Being made in the imagine of God, I am creative, because he was first creative. My creativity stems from resting in the presence of God, because as the Great Creator, he has manifested his creativity in the world. And this struck a chord within me, because I love nature. Nature was the tool which God used to see his love, to change me, and nature is what leaves me awestruck before God. To see the vast starry hosts splashed across the night sky, twinkling and shining in all their glory; to lie on a grassy hillside and gaze upwards into the blue azure sky, watching clouds traverse lazily across the heavens. In Senegal, what I knew of nature was for the greater part a vast, arid wasteland, speckled with scrubs and bushes, where the winds picked up vast amounts of dust and the sun bore down in dazzling intensity. And upon arriving in Germany, I have become like a child, standing of awe in cathedral of trees, wide-eyed and mystified. Sitting by the bank and watching the water pass under the bridge, examining the astounding physics of waters,and the way it flows and churns. It is something that I hope I will never loose, this childlike wonder of creation, as Mark puts it, 

"You couldn't name it all in a lifetime. You would have to plunder dictionaries in twelve languages to describe adequately one square foot of it."

And, I think that God creates things for the sheer joy of creating, and these things praise and glorify Him through that. I wonder how many wondrous things there are in the universe which we will never experience, things that will never come to light. What lies in the midst of giant space nebulae or on countless planets that orbit a phenomenal amount of stars. Unlike us humans, God seems to not be preoccupied with the logic of creation, not everything needs to makes sense - why a beautiful hummingbird specialises itself to one flower, or why most every living object has intricate patterns woven into the fabric of it's structure - God seems to create for the simple love of creating and of beauty. This is just a guess, on my part, I shall never be able to even marginally adequately describe God's creation, and much less so his creativity from which all nature stems. 
Earlier I mentioned how I childlike stared wide-eyed and mystified at all of the 'greenness' and wonder in Germany, and this child aspect is something that has over the last 2 months intrigued me. I set out to rediscover, reconquer, my childish nature - that part of me which had died some time back, when I thought being mature meant putting all childish ways behind. To a certain extent, there has to be a time when we take on the perspective of an adult, and see the greater picture; however I think that this childlike element of us is not necessarily bad. I am fascinated how a young child can continually have the same thing done to him: to have the red ball rolled to him, or be thrown up into the air and find such satisfaction, even after the 37th time. This is something which us 'adults' can certainly learn from, as so often we are unsatisfied with that which we have, throwing out words like monotonous, trivial, recurring. What would happen if we were to just launch ourselves in the snow, roll down a hill, or tramp through the forest just for the sake of doing it? Not trying to pin meaning and productivity to everything we do.


Resting in Silence
Silence fascinates me. It's undefining nature. It's intangibleness.  What is silence? What is it that attracts me so to silence? Those of you who know me a bit better, will know that silence is great important to me. The pursuit of silence has in the last half year been something that I have strove for,  something which seemed at time an uphill battle, during times when silence was the last thing on my mind. And yet, I believe that my personality, my character is one that needs silence, that needs the stillness. I see this arise especially during big social events, when so many things are crowding into my head, so many people are trying to talk to me, and a plethora of activities is crowding me. It is in those moments that I often just need to escape, to retreat an area of solitude, or even have a personal conversation with someone. Often I will simply sit there and play piano. This isn't strictly silence, but what is silence? For me it is when all the stress and thoughts of the day, when all the worries and problems just fade away for the moment, and nothing from outside is trying to cram information into my head.  That means that perfect silence can have the birds chirping outside my window, have the sound of the rushing river in the background, or the sound of falling rain. Silence can be playing the piano, even. It's an abstract thought, and I suppose that a linguist would would be appalled at my definition, but it's my artistic way of describing something. 
And then there is that special silence. That holy silence when we stand before the God of the Universe and are simply "be[ing] still and know[ing] that He is God" [Psalm 46:10]. When we realise how minuscule we are before the God of the Universe, a God before whom "the mountains melt like wax" [Psalm 97:5],

 "who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and all that comes out of it, who gives breath to its people, and life to those who walk on it:" [Isaiah 42:5]

Truly, David asked a just question, when he in awe asks "what is man that you care for him, the son of man that you think of him?" [Psalm 144:3]. It's in those moments that I think that silence is sometimes the only adequate response, apart from crying out "Woe is me" like prophet Isaiah in Isaiah 6.
And in this silence, in this stillness, I draw my strength and hope for a new day. I consider one of the mysteries of the Christian living; how the simple act of sitting still before God - even when we wait for his voice, and hear nothing - brings so much goodness and fulfills our desires. Being still before the God of the Universe daily is ,in my eyes, a secret and first step to a fulfilled life, one brimming with creativity, hope and love.
I did devotion that I did a few months ago, and I know that I wanted to only write about the topics that moved me this month, but especially as I have been thinking about silence, thoughts and topics overlap from the past. 
And I thought about that story in 1. Kings 19, when Elijah, the prophet of God is fleeing from Jezebel. And Elijah is tired, he is exhausted, even weary of life. What kind of circumstances must have this hero of faith been in, what kind of physical and mental stress must have bore down on this great man of God to cause him to flee into the desert. To cause him to despair of life - to pray to God: "I have had enough, LORD", [...],"Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors". [1.Kings 19:4]
And this was directly after Elijah won a colossal victory at Mt. Carmel; when fire from heaven fell, when Elijah was given strength to outrun a chariot. Elijah experiences an amazing display of God's power over his enemies, and yet the next moment he is fleeing? It seems as if the greatest trials in our life, follow from our greatest victories. Jesus was tempted in the desert by Satan, after displaying a heavenly sign of his mission,and his position. After Daniel had been elevated to the second highest position in the Kingdom of Persia, he was promptly put the test - continue worshiping God or become the next meal for a pride of lions. He chose the latter. [Daniel 6]. We see this recurring theme throughout the Bible - after a great spiritual victory, we are often confronted with the slings and arrows of the devil. It is in these moments that we must stand strong; when we cannot give way and must hold our ground. I've always found it fascinating that the English word for lieutenant, comes from the identical french wort 'lieutenant" - which then, when you look at the individual parts of the word we get "lieu" = (place, ground, position) and "tenant" (=holds). So, a lieutenant is literally "one who holds his ground". This may seem to be like one of the numerous random thoughts that I tend to throw into a blog, but often our spiritual life is referred to as a battle, a fight. 


The Invasion
In his book "Mere Christianity", C.S. Lewis writes about the age-long conflict between Good and Evil; between a side that fights for love and mercy and a side that is malevolent. In this chapter he makes some very interesting assertions, but still has the gift to explain these in simple terms for everyone. A bit off track here myself, but oh well: he explains that what we know as 'evil' is simply a perversion of something that is good.  Pure evil by itself cannot exist, as it must build on something good and pure for it to be evil. Take murder, for example; murder is a violation of life - it becomes evil by taking this pure thing 'life' and violating it, destroying it, robbing it. In essence, evil is simply a parasite, a virus that latches itself onto something good and pure and perverts it. 
In describing this conflict between Good and Evil, Lewis writes that,

"Christianity [states] that this universe is at war. But it does not think this is a war between independent powers. It thinks it is a civil war, a rebellion,and that we are living in a part of the universe occupied by the rebel. Enemy-occupied territory - that is what this world is. Christianity is the story of how the rightful king has landed, you might say landed in disguise, and is calling us all to take part in a great campaign of sabotage." [C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity]

This is a battleground. We are part of the grand campaign of Christ to regain, recapture this world - not the square miles and shifting sands, cities and palaces, but to recapture the hearts of those he loves, those he made and crafted in his image.

 Paul, when writing to the Ephesians states that:

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. [Ephesians 6:12]

Directly following this, Paul gives his solemn, and well-known call to "put on the full armor of Christ"[Ephesians 6:13], and "take the Sword of the Spirit which is the word of God" - something that I already mentioned in my prologue - namely,  the power of the Scriptures. 

On top of that, John says in Revelation:

"Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring - those who obey God's commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus" [Revelation 12:17]

The dragon is clearly referred to the devil or Satan [Revelation 12:9] - however, we cannot be completely sure what the woman, or her offspring represent, nor when the time when this 'description' takes place. I personally, in light of the chapter, hold the woman to be the faithful remnant of Israel, and the offspring as the Church of Christ, whom the devil has declared war on.
Now, what does this have to do with rest, and with Elijah fleeing to the desert? 
 It seems to me that Elijah's hope that this moment has reached rockbottom. He had laboured and toiled, over the years, through incredible miracles, and through famines and signs. Since the mysterious arrival of Elijah on the scene he has been fighting against a godless regime and against a people whose hearts have been turned to stone. He is pouring his energy into something, a mission which God has given him, but at this moment, everything just seems to be in vain. And, I believe that this is a situation which is all too well known in today's society. When we are pouring our effort into a project, into school, into relationships, marriages - I imagine (although I really cannot comment), and even into our spiritual life, but at the moment, nothing seems to be working. 
I can easily imagine Elijah just calling out out to God "You called me here! You gave me this mission! Can't you see that I'm tired? That I'm tired of showing these stubborn people day after your glory, only to have them turn their backs again." In this I see several parralels to the prophet Jeremiah. As far as prophets go, Jeremiah had a very unpopular message. After all, who wants to hear that their country will become a desolate wasteland and that they will be scattered across the 4 winds. As a result Jeremiah was attacked by his own brothers, beaten and put into the stocks by a priest and a false prophet, imprisoned by the king, threatened with death, thrown into a cistern by Judah’s officials, and opposed by a false prophet. And yet he keeps on declaring the word of God, calling on the people to repent and warning them what will happen if they don't.
And, there were times when Jeremiah tired of this cycle - this seemingly perpetual repetition of doing the work of the Lord, and seeing no fruit. Not understanding what his part has to do in the larger story. In Jeremiah 20, the prophet complains against God, in a tone that Elijah might also have used:

O LORD, you deceived me, and I was deceived ;
       you overpowered me and prevailed.
       I am ridiculed all day long;
       everyone mocks me.

  Whenever I speak, I cry out
       proclaiming violence and destruction.
       So the word of the LORD has brought me
       insult and reproach all day long.

  But if I say, "I will not mention him
       or speak any more in his name,"
       his word is in my heart like a fire,
       a fire shut up in my bones.
       I am weary of holding it in;
       indeed, I cannot.[Jeremiah 20: 7-9]

I cannot even begin to understand what these men had to go through, cannot begin to even try putting myself into their position. I know that I am more than exhausted after exerting my energy into something for as little a time as 6 months, and not seeing fruit come out - when I perceive it as in vain. These men, went decades without seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, without seeing the fruit of their labour. An ordinary man would indeed say that their toil and work was in vain, a chasing after the wind, a Sisyphus continually pushing his bolder up the hill, only for it to roll down again. But these were not ordinary men, and even though they despaired at times and did not see their place in the greater story, they had faith in their God, that he saw the greater picture, and that that picture is good.

 The writer of Hebrews decribes the prophets and heros in his famous 'Hall of Faith' in Chapter 11. He says that

Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.

 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. [Hebrews 11: 35-40]

Yet none of them received what had been promised - for God had prepared something better for them. There is a bigger picture; a picture which only God sees, a picture where "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, [and] who have been called according to his purpose." [Romans 8:28]. In the midst of the rain, and the flashing lightning; when the thunder rolls all around and when life seems at it's bleakest, we wonder what the meaning of it all is. The question echoes: why? But, there is a bigger picture, and that picture is good - something that is better than "what had been promised". As cliche as sounds, this world is a fairytale, and there is a "happily ever after" for those who have placed their hope and trust in the Lord. Only, the difference between this fairytale and the ones we've grown up as children, is that this one is true, and is unfolding right before our eyes; that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still. I am looking forward to finally seeing that "greater picture", when the scales will fall off my eyes and on that glorious day I will see God and know that he is truely the master painter, the master storyteller, and the master who guided and shaped my life according to his plans for me. 

Coming back to Elijah: as I said, Elijah was at ground zero for hope, and the only thing he wanted to do in that moment just just lay down and die. And I love the way the Lord responds him, how Elijah's complaint is answered from heaven; he is refreshed, strengthend and given food. Wow. Not only does God hear Elijah crying out in his moment of pain, God comes near and gives him strength for the next step. In moments of pain and in moments when the road is unknown, when the path leads through valleys of the shadow of death and up rocky hillsides; in those moments God comes near - and provides his children with enough to get by. This doesn't mean that the road will not be marked with suffering; that we won't at times when we cry out to him and our eyes are laden with tears - but it means that his "grace is sufficient for [us]", that his "power is made perfect in weakness." [2. Corinthians 2:19] It means that God will provide the resources to make it through another day.

God provides exactly this to Elijah; the bread and water that will sustain and strengthen him during his long journey to Mt. Horeb. In my own life I have experienced how the Lord at times will unveil something to me, a small truth, a word of hope in difficult times; not as a definite answer or solution to my problems, but as a "just hold on! I will come for you!" promise. And, in some situations, this "hold-on" word of hope is just as important as the answer we are looking for.

God answers

Elijah journeys to Mt. Horeb, perhaps also known as Sinai ,or the Mountain of God. This was a mountain which no Isrealite was allowed to touch back in the days of Moses, a mountian so holy that anyone who broke this rule was to be stoned or shot with arrows, as simply touching him (even in order to kill him) would be too much 'holiness' for those killing him. The mountain was a geographic Holy of Holies, a place where God's presence was so manifold that mere mortals could not come close. [Exodus 19:13]. The description of the mountain in Exodus 19 gives us just a small idea of what it meant at the time for a holy and omnipotent God to descend to Earth. Notice the absolute constrast to the incarnation of Christ in the New Testament:

"Mount Sinai was covered with smoke, because the LORD descended on it in fire. The smoke billowed up from it like smoke from a furnace, the whole mountain trembled violently, and the sound of the trumpet grew louder and louder. Then Moses spoke and the voice of God answered him. " [18-19]

What must have it meant for Elijah to venture onto such a holy mountain, the mountain where the law was given to Moses? A place which he prehaps only had known from the stories he heard as a small child, a frightening place, where thunder rolls and smoke billows.

God promises to pass by Elijah during this night on the mountain, when his voice tells Elijah to go outside and stand on the mountain. And, this following passage in one of my favorite passages in the Bible. 

"The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

God does rarely come to us in the fire and wind, in the stress and hectic, when thousands of thoughts jostle for importance in our heads, and a plethora of decisions surround us. God does not speak to us in the storm.

In the saturation of every day, when sitting in class, when pondering the words of a friend, the happenings of yesterday, the choices of today. God does not speak in the earthquake.

When worrying about the paths of tomorrow, what the future will bring, when trying to organise one's life, when attempting to sort the troubles and worries of what could happen. God does not speak in the fire.

God speaks in the gentle whisper. 

I've heard that some biblical scholars interpret this sentence as God speaking in the "sound of silence". And, I think that that could very well be the case. For myself, I love silence. I love the stillness in the night, when not a sound can be heard. I love the feeling that silence brings, this being a peace in the soul, being almost isolated from the rest of the world. A world that never stops turning, where business never ceases to stop, where stocks go up and down on their perpetual roller coaster ride.

I love the peace that comes with silence. 

For me, the silence is not only constructive, but it refreshes my soul, and it is then that I am closest to my God. It is then that Elijah hears the voice of God, when the LORD comes close and soothes his hurting heart; when an answer is heard.

And, I believe that in todays society we shy far too much away from stillness. Where silence because something almost menacing, a beast that must be slain so that we can continue with our productive lives. What a gift we are missing out on! In the Holy Wild, there is a chapter labeled, "The Gift we Refuse", which refers to the Sabbath. So many times we seem to see the Sabbath as a nuisance, a day where we are technically not allowed to work, but do anyway. A day when that last homework has to be done, and when all the sorting that stacked up over the week has to be done. 

As humans, we tend to more and more refuse the rest that our soul desperately needs.  

This story highlights the importance of silence, in my eyes, and the importance of coming before our Lord and Savior with undivided hearts! 

What strikes me is how the Lord answers Elijah. He doesn't seem to give a detailed explanation of why things are happening the way they are; why the cancer is eating away at a close friend, why the death of a loved one happened, why all the circumstances in our lives that bring us crashing onto the rocks happen. Rather, he seems to say "I will deal with it, just trust me.", and in this case gives Elijah a helper, a helping hand that will support in the coming years, and symbol of hope that he is certainly not alone in his plight. 

May you come to experience the love and peace that flows from the Father, a peace that cannot be fathomed, or comprehended, but which comes from the knowledge of the gift of grace which is Christ Jesus, our Messiah. May you experience the strength and refreshment that is found in coming with a still heart before the Lord. May his shalom envelop you. 

havenu shalom malechum (peace be upon you)

Prologue - Taking up the Pen

It has been a long time since I have last picked up the pen and proceeded to write down my thoughts, and emotions on life. Years have passed since I last did so, and now, being on the verge of commencing another entry, I question myself how long this "project will last. I perhaps approach the whole concept of a blog rather cynical; since I have no idea who, or rather, if anyone actually reads it. Who is to guarantee that I am not only throwing empty words into space, into a void accessible to everyone, but unvisited none the less. And I suppose that that is real problem for me.  When I write emails to people, I expect, hope, wish, yearn to receive a reply; otherwise it comes across to me as if I have laboured in vain, as if all the work of writing and searching for the right word, thinking - that all that effort is unrecognised. I tried a blog once; a blog where I wrote about the happenings in my life and all the changes (I had started writing it during a time in my life, when everything was new and different), but very quickly I realised that I was throwing my words out the window, that I was shouting my words into the wind. 
And yet, I pick up the pen once again. And once again I enter into a world filled with metaphors, poetic expressions, similes and synonyms and attempt to create something unique, attempt to put down on paper a bit of my mind. Writing is in many ways a bit like music composition; an art which requires that the composer put down on paper his emotions, his feelings and those elements which move his soul; for the one, he is jotting down musical notes, and for the other, using letters and words to paint his picture. 
And, I think that in this aspect I have matured a little bit; that in the same way I make music - when I improvise and compose (to an extent) - I am doing so  for the sake of music alone; so I also write with words for the sole sake of expressing myself, regardless now if anyone is watching or not. And so, this blog will be probably for me a place where I can express myself on subjects which move me, where I can recap on what I've learned, and what the Spirit has taught me over the past several weeks. But, at the same time, I don't want to hide these thoughts away, but allow others to share in them, and maybe pick out a piece of wisdom here, or an interesting thought there. I don't expect I'll throw the link to the blog around to anyone and everyone, but will probably quietly tell here and there a few people who I hope will take a look at it. 
Which subjects move me though? What are the things that weigh on my soul, things which I ponder deep into the night about. Philosophy? Art? Poetry, or Music? Prehaps... but to be honest, those things are nice and fine to write, or think about, but what really touches my heart, what really moves me, is the Word of God, the Scripture which is "God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness" [2. Timothy 3:16]. The Word of God is so powerful, so life-changing that us humans with our finite minds cannot possibly comprehend that simple words on a frail parchment are so powerful. The writer of Hebrews talks about the Scriptures and says that it is

 "living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." [Hebrews 4:12]

Might I point out that when the writer of Hebrews wrote this when the books which we know as the new Testament had not compiled at this time, and several had not even been written - so, in this sense he is mainly referring to the 'Old Testament'. (I do believe that the new Testament as the Word of God is equally "living and active" though)
 We all believe that there is an omnipotent, omniscient God who is deeply concerned with us humans - as strange as that seems to us - and that the Bible, his Word, is his letter to us! This fascinates me! 
In his parable about 'A Tree and it's Fruit', Jesus says that "For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks" [Luke 6:45], and for that reason I cannot but write about about the Scriptures, for in his great grace God has given me a heart that loves his Word - even though at times I fail to read it, and study it as I should - and for that, I am forever grateful. 
I was just reading up on the "Five Solas" that were used during the Protestant Reformation as a universal creed of their faith. These 5 Latin Phrases all use the Latin word "solo" in them, meaning 'alone'. The most well known of these solas is most likely 'Soli Deo Gloria' which J.S. Bach used to sign every one of his cantatas, meaning "glory to God alone". Another one of the solas is however, "Sola scriptura", meaning "by scripture alone" and basicly means  that the Bible is the only inspired and authoritative word of God, and is the only source for Christian doctrine. This is creed which I strongly believe and hold on to.
May the Lord use my words for his Glory and his Kingdom, this is prehaps the only truly worthwhile goal of what I write.