After Spring, I believe that Autumn is my favorite time of year. It's strangely ironic in a way that I so dearly love the season that has to do with glorious re-birth: the season when flowers explode into colour, when the sun finally pokes it's head out of the clouds, when an azure sky bathes me in a brilliant blue; when the white and yellow blossoms of the pear trees hold testimony to the end of winter. Everything about spring just seems to teem with life, the plants, animals and myself! After a long winter, I feel my soul come alive, feel my spirit soar on the fresh winds that waft the clouds across the sky. Spring is in many ways for me a time where I can forget about my problems and just frolic across the meadows (if I should so choose to), a world apart from the troubles and sorrows of tomorrow. And, then there's Autumn. I say it is almost ironic that I love autumn; it seems to be an oxymoron when saying it in the same breath as the life-giving spring. In Autumn, things fall apart, the leaves fall to the ground, slowly rotting, and the sun starts to hide behind menacing clouds. Autumn is the beginning of the birth-pains of Winter, one could almost classify it as a time of death.
But in my eyes, Autumn is so much more. Maybe I'm blinded because of my general optimism (which probably annoys my friends at one point or another), but I honestly can't change the way I view life, and wouldn't trade this perspective for hardly another. Autumn is a time of life for me, a time where, yes, there is death, but, somehow it's as full of life as spring is.
Let me explain. As a person I like to think. Those people who know me a bit better know that there is almost more behind a blithe smile than that what meets the eye. I love to think, just as much as I love the early morning stillness that I would experience in Africa. A morning walk along the beach when there's that heavy scent of salt and dew in the rain - a magical moment. Especially this last year I have dedicated much time and effort to thinking, thinking about books, quotes, letters, films and original thoughts. In fact, I have a list of "Things to Think about", things that I want to delve deep into; spend my time contemplating the paths and trails of life; things that I want to improve, things that have changed, things that went wrong. Sometimes I think too much; I imagine, and that is not always a positive thing, especially in the shifting conditions that life throws at us.
In my room I have a card laying on my table; at some point in my life I had gotten it, most likely as a birthday card on some long forgotten birthday. But the difference with this card is that it's not so much the text inside that I like, but the quote outside. For, on the cover there is a picture of a single autumn leaf, golden brown in hue and drifting silently on a clear stream. Your typical depiction of autumn, a single forsaken leaf heralding the coming woe of winter and frost. And yet, underneath the picture stands "He who lets go does not become poorer, rather, his hands become free for something new". The falling leaves that, in dying, release their nutrients into the earth, forging forth a new birth for another generation of leaves. Autumn isn't a time of death, it's when letting go, gives birth to something new.
Sometimes I question why certain things in my life are taken away, why things didn't work out the way I wanted to why, why after months and months of investing my time and energy into a friendship, a skill, whatever, I lose that very thing I so desperately was desiring.
There is this powerful song by Tenth Avenue North in their CD "The Light Meets the Dark", about letting go. It's for me, in a way, a haunting song - and yet a song that pulses with life and hope. To just let the words soak into me, to realise that often, if I were to just let go of that what hurts me - what drags me down - then I would truly find freedom in Christ. Now, that is common Christian theology - letting go of the hurt of the past, to forgive and bless the other person, to hand over tragic events to the King and be free.
But the singer Mike here, goes one step further and asks the question:
What if I let go of my dreams? What if I let them them die and fall like leaves to the ground? Things that have perhaps consumed my concentration, effort and time for countless years before. Things which I lived for, where untold amount of energy were poured into - I'm supposed to let them go? I mean, hasn't every important celebrity, politician, writer and entrepreneur said that we should follow our dreams and never let anyone tell us that it's not possible?
It's certainly not an easy question to answer, and it's certainly not a question which I am qualified to answer, but If I might just be allowed to give my two cents on it, I might.
Firstly I believe that Mike is right, that surrendering our dreams to the Lord is the only way to truly find freedom in this world. Ok, so you're saying "I get surrender. But surrender and kill are two very different things". A fair point, let me explain. Dreams are kept alive alive through hope. A dream without hope cannot exist, and that's when dreams shatter, when we come to a point in our lives when we are convinced that nothing and no-one can ever make this dream come true. And when we surrender our dreams over to the Lord, we are shifting our hope from the dream, to God. Our hope doesn't rest in the dreams anymore; a hope which can often be torn and ripped, that can die agonizingly slowly or vanish in a flash! Rather, when we give it over to the Lord, we find freedom in letting go, strength in letting it die, and perhaps, we witness the birth of something new to fill our hands with.
Ignore
And, you know, the cool thing about God is that he really speaks to us in our circumstances, and that he desires to speak to us. He spoke to me through a simple birthday card, that had a powerful message on. He speaks to me through all kinds of songs, conversations, books, music, movies.. the list goes on and on, and I am quite certain that this is only the tip of the iceberg - that a great many times that the Lord wants to speak with me, and I am not listening. It's quite a humbling experience, in some ways, for myself to realise that. Now, especially for myself, perhaps, because in my life and in my friendships, one of the worst things that a friend can possibly do to me is ignore me. A bad, heated argument pales in comparison to the simple feeling of being ignored by someone. It is a wound that is old, deep and painful, and can sadly destroy relationships (on my part) within weeks.
And yet, I ignore, on a daily basis, the friend that redeemed me from a life of sin and eternal damnation. I ignore the God who is passionate to have an active and personal relationship with me. I ignore the one whom I call myself friend, and with whom I claim to base on hope on. The truth hurts. To realise that I am the culprit of the very act that I so hate.
And, at times I certainly don't intend to ignore, to not head the voice of God, but the simple stress of life, my inconsistency at coming in stillness before God and failing to put the "author and perfecter of [my] faith" in the centre of my life leaves me without excuse.
And when I consider it, I realise that in fact, I am no better than the Isrealites during Old Testament times. In the past I used to genuiely look down on the Isrealites and chide them for their childish behavior. Indeed, I viewed myself as vastly superior to them in both faith and lifestyle. I used to question how on earth such a chosen nation could possibly turn their back on God. They experienced countless miracles, countless rescues from their enemies and constantly had prophet after prophet reminding them of what the Lord had done for them. I mean, how much more obvious could it have been for them? If I had the ocean part before me, experience water flowing out of dry desert stones, and fresh bread every morning on the ground - then I would surely never turn my back on God. Right?
It was a humbling moment for me when I finally realised in what state my heart was really in. In my own life, I have had more than my fair "share" of miracles. Times when God has held me close, taught me amazing lessons, spoken to me, proven his love to me. Countless times, again and again. Most every day they are there; his power in my life, the little things in the day that show me that he is there. And yet, after all I've been through, even after he redeemed my life and made it anew; even then I so often turn my back on his. So often I forget about his promises, his love, his plans for me, and cry out to the heavens in my pain. Why! So often I question the path I'm on - desiring the simple path, where the way seems less rocky, less steep.
And like the Isrealites in Sinai, I so quickly forget the miracles of the past - and I am only capable of seeing the present situation in the here-and-now. And, somehow it hasn't penetrated deep enough into my heart that my God WILL come through, that he KNOWS my situation, and that he LOVES me. I so wish that these 'simple' truths would finally take root in my heart, and let the healing begin.
I chose the topic of this post as "Faithfulness", but now, several weeks later, as I begin to write again, I've seen how all these thoughts that I've had begin to weave their way into my life; that situations have arised that required me to really take a deep look on my faith, and what role it should play in my life. And it has also required me to rethink several life-philosophies of mine. Well, at any rate, I do not suppose that this will be a boring post.
The Culprit
"To realise that I am the culprit of the very act that I so hate."
In my eyes, the truly deadly aspect of ignoration is that an act of ignoration is devoid of truth. As I see it, when I ignore someone, say for example, I choose to not speak to them on my accord, then I am not directly saying "I don't want to talk to you" (which would be the truth), but I am also not lying. And yet, I am still communicating, since, as they say, 80% of communication is non-verbal. And, yet the big problem with ignoring is that you effectively force the other person to fabricate his own meaning to the ignoring; to attach his own words to those unspoken words. And this 'devoidness of truth' is the catch.
And often we tend to say that something that is 'devoid of truth' must obviously be a 'lie', right? Well, I think this case might be an exception, at least in the beginning. Once I put my own interpretation to the lack of communication (which happens very quickly), then it becomes a lie - a lie that I have created myself, one that almost always torments me.
And this is the core of the problem for me when it comes to ignoring. I desire in all of my friendships a certain transperancy, a certain level of truth with the other person. That no masks are put on, that no suspicions are harboured for long periods of time. This often forces me to confront people with problems that I have with them. Of course, I diplomatize it all (if that's a word..) and put in such a way that doesn't upset anyone (or try).
This makes ignoring a serious problem: a parasite that needs to be eradicated from the friendship, something that needs to be directly addressed as soon as possible. Add to that several very bad experiences with being purposefully ignored, and you've got a fanatical person who's effectively declared a jihad on ignoration.
And yet I myself ignore. Other people. Friends even. God.
I've become the Vader, the Saruman - becoming exactly that which I sought to destroy. And, this is, I believe a very deep aspect of human nature - an unrootable selfishness that desires to spring forth whenever it sees a chance. To hate what hurts you, but not mind it if that very same thing can help you when you use it.
There is this song by Kutless which is called "Run". A powerful song that cuts straight to the heart of my relationship with God:
But why do I do it? Why do I always fall into a cycle of running and hiding.
I like to say that the whole Bible is one big long love story from God to us. In it's roots it tells of the romance between God and the patriachs, the beginnings of it, the creation of man, the painful fall of man - and yet, the will of God to continue this relationship in a broken world. Eventually Isreal is conceived, and story continues through Egypt to Sinai. The giving of the law to try and prevent the relationship being severed through evil. And story goes on, through the judges, the kingdoms and finally, handing over his beloved to be punished in the hope that they will turn to Him again. And, then the coming and death of Christ to cement that love story.
And in this story Isaiah is the letter that touches me the most, the letter that gives me the hope, that shows me prehaps most clearly the nature of God, of his love for us, and his faithfulness.
God is almost pleading with Israel, so desperately in love with them, trying to make clear to them that their course of way with have consequances. In the first chapter he says,
And thats the beauty of the Old Testament, when you see that Isreal is really also a picture of the state of the human heart, a heart that in sinful and rebelled against God. And, as I said before, it's humbling. I've always wanted to feel like I'm good enough for salvation. You know, like, yeah, of course God has to redeem me, there is no way around that... but he doesn't have to redeem me as much as much as THAT guy over there. Sounds crazy, so arrogant and as if I've missed the whole message of the Gospel. But if I may be so audacious, I wonder how many Christians think that: "Yes, I must be redeemed, but not as much as that drug addict over there..." It's weird, cause if we think about it, you can't even measure redemption, cause for one, if God is infinitely holy, then we are infinitely fallen. And then, redemption is really either 0 or 1. You can't be only partially redeemed, like 0,6 or something. And now when I think about it now, it makes all so sense, and everything else feels so foolish. But that's the interesting thing about the heart; is that we are so often unaware of what is really deep inside. What is hidden under layers and layers of false righteousness, and at times barely detectable, and yet influences our very actions and thoughts.
And then to realise... hey, I'm so in need of salvation. When it becomes clear that there is nothing I can do to even get myself one step towards self-saving without going 4 steps back at the same time; that's when we can start learning what "Freedom in Christ" can mean for us. That the weight of all the work, trying to make it look like we're good Christians, like we're worthy of love, is a burden that Christ wants to free us from that. That all our fake righteousness and masquerades that we put on show for the world to see, is simply weighing us down like lead.
To recognise the state of our own heart, to see our failings and our bitter need for redemption, and yet come to learn a God who is not only loving and graceful, but faithful to us in all this promises; in the same way that he was faithful to Israel - never letting go of those he loves. To realise that freedom is waiting in coming to trust God enough to let him take our dreams - and if need be, shred them, or bless them. That masquerading and only playing the role of the good Christian is a weight and burden on our very souls, and that Christ desires friends and brothers in holy relationship and not dogmatic followers of religion.
These are the thoughts that I've had. They are certainly a mess, and terribly organised! They also don't always stick to the topic, and often I leave questions unanswered or a subtopic unfinished. And while I'd love to finish this off completely, and have every subtopic thought and written out in full, I believe that I'd find that this blog would have turned into a book.
May you find freedom in Christ; freedom from letting go, and freedom from letting these masks fall. May you grow ever closer to the God who is writing his love story, with you as his main character, and the God who is ever faithful and will never forsake you.
Be blessed.
Sometimes I question why certain things in my life are taken away, why things didn't work out the way I wanted to why, why after months and months of investing my time and energy into a friendship, a skill, whatever, I lose that very thing I so desperately was desiring.
There is this powerful song by Tenth Avenue North in their CD "The Light Meets the Dark", about letting go. It's for me, in a way, a haunting song - and yet a song that pulses with life and hope. To just let the words soak into me, to realise that often, if I were to just let go of that what hurts me - what drags me down - then I would truly find freedom in Christ. Now, that is common Christian theology - letting go of the hurt of the past, to forgive and bless the other person, to hand over tragic events to the King and be free.
But the singer Mike here, goes one step further and asks the question:
What if I let go of my dreams? What if I let them them die and fall like leaves to the ground? Things that have perhaps consumed my concentration, effort and time for countless years before. Things which I lived for, where untold amount of energy were poured into - I'm supposed to let them go? I mean, hasn't every important celebrity, politician, writer and entrepreneur said that we should follow our dreams and never let anyone tell us that it's not possible?
It's certainly not an easy question to answer, and it's certainly not a question which I am qualified to answer, but If I might just be allowed to give my two cents on it, I might.
Firstly I believe that Mike is right, that surrendering our dreams to the Lord is the only way to truly find freedom in this world. Ok, so you're saying "I get surrender. But surrender and kill are two very different things". A fair point, let me explain. Dreams are kept alive alive through hope. A dream without hope cannot exist, and that's when dreams shatter, when we come to a point in our lives when we are convinced that nothing and no-one can ever make this dream come true. And when we surrender our dreams over to the Lord, we are shifting our hope from the dream, to God. Our hope doesn't rest in the dreams anymore; a hope which can often be torn and ripped, that can die agonizingly slowly or vanish in a flash! Rather, when we give it over to the Lord, we find freedom in letting go, strength in letting it die, and perhaps, we witness the birth of something new to fill our hands with.
Ignore
And, you know, the cool thing about God is that he really speaks to us in our circumstances, and that he desires to speak to us. He spoke to me through a simple birthday card, that had a powerful message on. He speaks to me through all kinds of songs, conversations, books, music, movies.. the list goes on and on, and I am quite certain that this is only the tip of the iceberg - that a great many times that the Lord wants to speak with me, and I am not listening. It's quite a humbling experience, in some ways, for myself to realise that. Now, especially for myself, perhaps, because in my life and in my friendships, one of the worst things that a friend can possibly do to me is ignore me. A bad, heated argument pales in comparison to the simple feeling of being ignored by someone. It is a wound that is old, deep and painful, and can sadly destroy relationships (on my part) within weeks.
And yet, I ignore, on a daily basis, the friend that redeemed me from a life of sin and eternal damnation. I ignore the God who is passionate to have an active and personal relationship with me. I ignore the one whom I call myself friend, and with whom I claim to base on hope on. The truth hurts. To realise that I am the culprit of the very act that I so hate.
And, at times I certainly don't intend to ignore, to not head the voice of God, but the simple stress of life, my inconsistency at coming in stillness before God and failing to put the "author and perfecter of [my] faith" in the centre of my life leaves me without excuse.
And when I consider it, I realise that in fact, I am no better than the Isrealites during Old Testament times. In the past I used to genuiely look down on the Isrealites and chide them for their childish behavior. Indeed, I viewed myself as vastly superior to them in both faith and lifestyle. I used to question how on earth such a chosen nation could possibly turn their back on God. They experienced countless miracles, countless rescues from their enemies and constantly had prophet after prophet reminding them of what the Lord had done for them. I mean, how much more obvious could it have been for them? If I had the ocean part before me, experience water flowing out of dry desert stones, and fresh bread every morning on the ground - then I would surely never turn my back on God. Right?
It was a humbling moment for me when I finally realised in what state my heart was really in. In my own life, I have had more than my fair "share" of miracles. Times when God has held me close, taught me amazing lessons, spoken to me, proven his love to me. Countless times, again and again. Most every day they are there; his power in my life, the little things in the day that show me that he is there. And yet, after all I've been through, even after he redeemed my life and made it anew; even then I so often turn my back on his. So often I forget about his promises, his love, his plans for me, and cry out to the heavens in my pain. Why! So often I question the path I'm on - desiring the simple path, where the way seems less rocky, less steep.
And like the Isrealites in Sinai, I so quickly forget the miracles of the past - and I am only capable of seeing the present situation in the here-and-now. And, somehow it hasn't penetrated deep enough into my heart that my God WILL come through, that he KNOWS my situation, and that he LOVES me. I so wish that these 'simple' truths would finally take root in my heart, and let the healing begin.
I chose the topic of this post as "Faithfulness", but now, several weeks later, as I begin to write again, I've seen how all these thoughts that I've had begin to weave their way into my life; that situations have arised that required me to really take a deep look on my faith, and what role it should play in my life. And it has also required me to rethink several life-philosophies of mine. Well, at any rate, I do not suppose that this will be a boring post.
The Culprit
"To realise that I am the culprit of the very act that I so hate."
In my eyes, the truly deadly aspect of ignoration is that an act of ignoration is devoid of truth. As I see it, when I ignore someone, say for example, I choose to not speak to them on my accord, then I am not directly saying "I don't want to talk to you" (which would be the truth), but I am also not lying. And yet, I am still communicating, since, as they say, 80% of communication is non-verbal. And, yet the big problem with ignoring is that you effectively force the other person to fabricate his own meaning to the ignoring; to attach his own words to those unspoken words. And this 'devoidness of truth' is the catch.
And often we tend to say that something that is 'devoid of truth' must obviously be a 'lie', right? Well, I think this case might be an exception, at least in the beginning. Once I put my own interpretation to the lack of communication (which happens very quickly), then it becomes a lie - a lie that I have created myself, one that almost always torments me.
And this is the core of the problem for me when it comes to ignoring. I desire in all of my friendships a certain transperancy, a certain level of truth with the other person. That no masks are put on, that no suspicions are harboured for long periods of time. This often forces me to confront people with problems that I have with them. Of course, I diplomatize it all (if that's a word..) and put in such a way that doesn't upset anyone (or try).
This makes ignoring a serious problem: a parasite that needs to be eradicated from the friendship, something that needs to be directly addressed as soon as possible. Add to that several very bad experiences with being purposefully ignored, and you've got a fanatical person who's effectively declared a jihad on ignoration.
And yet I myself ignore. Other people. Friends even. God.
I've become the Vader, the Saruman - becoming exactly that which I sought to destroy. And, this is, I believe a very deep aspect of human nature - an unrootable selfishness that desires to spring forth whenever it sees a chance. To hate what hurts you, but not mind it if that very same thing can help you when you use it.
There is this song by Kutless which is called "Run". A powerful song that cuts straight to the heart of my relationship with God:
Looking down from above as you watch TVThe truth hurts. It leaves me writhing in shame, guilt, remorse.
Wondering why, oh you're ignoring me
Do you remember, remember when I came to you
And you loved me
And I'm waiting for you
And I'm waiting for you
Why do you run why do you hide oh don't you know I
just, just want to be with you, to be with you
Hey, why do you run why do you hide oh do't you know
I just, just want to be with you, to be with you...
Whatever happened to the love, the love you had for me
When you first came to me
Don't you know that I died, died so I could be with
you forever.
And I'm waiting for you
And I'm waiting for you
But why do I do it? Why do I always fall into a cycle of running and hiding.
I like to say that the whole Bible is one big long love story from God to us. In it's roots it tells of the romance between God and the patriachs, the beginnings of it, the creation of man, the painful fall of man - and yet, the will of God to continue this relationship in a broken world. Eventually Isreal is conceived, and story continues through Egypt to Sinai. The giving of the law to try and prevent the relationship being severed through evil. And story goes on, through the judges, the kingdoms and finally, handing over his beloved to be punished in the hope that they will turn to Him again. And, then the coming and death of Christ to cement that love story.
And in this story Isaiah is the letter that touches me the most, the letter that gives me the hope, that shows me prehaps most clearly the nature of God, of his love for us, and his faithfulness.
God is almost pleading with Israel, so desperately in love with them, trying to make clear to them that their course of way with have consequances. In the first chapter he says,
"Come now, let us reason together,"It's like God is saying, "Can't you see that what I want to give you is soo much better than all that? Can't you see that the life I offer you will bring you life , that it will satisfy all your needs? Why do you go running off chasing false idols, why do you think that these will bring you happiness? I'm making you an offer, it doesn't have to be that way; your sins can be wiped clean, they can be as white as snow.
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
If you are willing and obedient,
you will eat the best from the land;
but if you resist and rebel,
you will be devoured by the sword."
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken. [Isaiah 1:18-20]
And thats the beauty of the Old Testament, when you see that Isreal is really also a picture of the state of the human heart, a heart that in sinful and rebelled against God. And, as I said before, it's humbling. I've always wanted to feel like I'm good enough for salvation. You know, like, yeah, of course God has to redeem me, there is no way around that... but he doesn't have to redeem me as much as much as THAT guy over there. Sounds crazy, so arrogant and as if I've missed the whole message of the Gospel. But if I may be so audacious, I wonder how many Christians think that: "Yes, I must be redeemed, but not as much as that drug addict over there..." It's weird, cause if we think about it, you can't even measure redemption, cause for one, if God is infinitely holy, then we are infinitely fallen. And then, redemption is really either 0 or 1. You can't be only partially redeemed, like 0,6 or something. And now when I think about it now, it makes all so sense, and everything else feels so foolish. But that's the interesting thing about the heart; is that we are so often unaware of what is really deep inside. What is hidden under layers and layers of false righteousness, and at times barely detectable, and yet influences our very actions and thoughts.
And then to realise... hey, I'm so in need of salvation. When it becomes clear that there is nothing I can do to even get myself one step towards self-saving without going 4 steps back at the same time; that's when we can start learning what "Freedom in Christ" can mean for us. That the weight of all the work, trying to make it look like we're good Christians, like we're worthy of love, is a burden that Christ wants to free us from that. That all our fake righteousness and masquerades that we put on show for the world to see, is simply weighing us down like lead.
To recognise the state of our own heart, to see our failings and our bitter need for redemption, and yet come to learn a God who is not only loving and graceful, but faithful to us in all this promises; in the same way that he was faithful to Israel - never letting go of those he loves. To realise that freedom is waiting in coming to trust God enough to let him take our dreams - and if need be, shred them, or bless them. That masquerading and only playing the role of the good Christian is a weight and burden on our very souls, and that Christ desires friends and brothers in holy relationship and not dogmatic followers of religion.
These are the thoughts that I've had. They are certainly a mess, and terribly organised! They also don't always stick to the topic, and often I leave questions unanswered or a subtopic unfinished. And while I'd love to finish this off completely, and have every subtopic thought and written out in full, I believe that I'd find that this blog would have turned into a book.
May you find freedom in Christ; freedom from letting go, and freedom from letting these masks fall. May you grow ever closer to the God who is writing his love story, with you as his main character, and the God who is ever faithful and will never forsake you.
Be blessed.
